No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
