I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
