I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
