Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
