Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
