I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
