Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
