im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
