We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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