I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
