wrigley field is MILF paradise
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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