I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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