Don't make out with my wife yet
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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