You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
