My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
