Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
