I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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