matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
