Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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