life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
