my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
