i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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