I think I won the penis lottery.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
3 2 1 whiskey
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
