I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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