my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
