Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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