I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
