tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
