im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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