we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
