if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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