Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
