I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
