I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
