I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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