I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
