Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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