it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
