My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
