just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
