If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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