Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
