clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
