I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
