then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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