the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
