Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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