I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
