If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I fill condoms, not promises.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
