All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
