when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
