My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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