I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
